Sometimes I start to write a post days, or even weeks before it gets published to the site. Sometimes I’ll just type in a title for the post as a quick note to myself, reminding me what I wanted the post to be about. If it’s any indication as to what’s been on my mind, the draft title for this post has been “crushing loneliness bullshit”.
Anyway, I don’t think I’ve adjusted to this new stage of my life. This post-relationship, post-family stage. I’m just not over it. I constantly feel lonely, guilty, and just all types of salty. I suppose the holiday season has worked to exaggerate these feelings. Darwin won’t be sleeping over with me on Christmas Eve, we won’t be waking up together on Christmas morning, and I have no Christmas tree to put his gifts under. Sure, I’ll get to see him that day, but it’s ruined. It’s just ruined. It isn’t the way it should be, and it really hurts. I imagine I’ll spend most of the day alone, playing my imaginary PS3 (that I’ve actually been considering trying to steal from a store), and I’ll probably have Christmas dinner by myself at a Chinese restaurant or huddled up with a Wawa grilled chicken sandwich as I wait for this fucked up year to end.
I feel pulled in so many directions. There’s pressure to do the right thing, when I have absolutely no clue what the right thing is. I thought I did the right thing already, so why doesn’t it feel better? Why don’t I feel satisfied or relieved as if a huge weight had been lifted? This sucks.