Download Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea by Chelsea Handler PDF

By Chelsea Handler

While Chelsea Handler must get a couple of issues off her chest, she appeals to the next strength -- vodka. you will too for those who discovered that your boyfriend used to be having an affair with a Peekapoo or for those who needed to fake to be honeymooning together with your father so that it will improve to top quality. Welcome to Chelsea's global -- a spot the place absurdity reigns ultimate and a brief wit is the simplest defensive position.

In this hilarious, deliciously skewed assortment, Chelsea mines her earlier for tales approximately her relations, relationships, and profession which are immediately singular and ridiculous. even if she's convincing her third-grade type that she has been tapped to play Goldie Hawn's daughter within the sequel to Private Benjamin, figuring out to be extra egalitarian via relationship a redhead, or looking for a foulmouthed, rum-swilling little one who appears to be like similar to her...only smaller, Chelsea has a knack for purchasing herself into the main outrageous events. Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea showcases the candor and impossible to resist turns of word that experience made her one of many hottest voices in comedy this day.

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ISBN: 0385535325
EAN: 9780385535328
ASIN: 0385535325
Publisher: Doubleday
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Extra info for Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea

Sample text

My best friend, Jodi Sapperman, was the only one who would walk with me to every class and defend me when the fifth-grade girls would come over to our table in the cafeteria and ask if I was eating Alpo for lunch. ’ That’s the wrong word,” I told Jason. “I’m having trouble getting the trailer size I want. Goldie’s being pretty cool, but Kurt is so mercurial. He doesn’t understand why a nine-year-old needs a Jacuzzi and a personal chef,” I said nonchalantly, with a wave of my mitten. ” he asked.

That’s enough, Melvin,” my mother told him. ” Even though porridge is a perfectly suitable meal for a bear, I couldn’t resist asking my mother if we were having Goldilocks over for dinner. My father was still in earshot as he headed over to the living room couch, where he normally took his three o’clock feeding. It took one look from him to send me airborne in the direction of the stairs, which I took two steps at a time. Once safely inside my room, I weighed my options. I could either tell the truth to all the kids at school and endure that embarrassment, or go for the more palatable option—enroll myself in a performing-arts boarding school.

I ran right up to Sloane’s room and jumped up and down. “Jodi! Jodi! ” It was a signed autograph from Goldie Hawn. She hadn’t inscribed it the way I had requested, and obviously I would hold that against her in any future negotiations, but it was made out to me, and it was signed by her. Jodi and I were jumping up and down like a pair of newlyweds. We ran into my room and grabbed a Sharpie. Luckily Goldie’s handwriting wasn’t very legible, so I added “Mom” in parentheses at the end, and, after much discussion, since I didn’t want to continue with the lying but wasn’t willing to tell the truth either, Jodi and I agreed to leave the note open-ended.

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