Dear Joseph, Thank you for applying to became a member of NEXUS/Foundation for Today’s Art and giving us the opportunity to view your work. We were fortunate to secure very strong candidates for membership this year. It was a difficult and lengthy process reviewing the numerous portfolios of talented and innovative artists to find those who most matched the mission of NEXUS. Though the members found your work noteworthy we regret to inform you that they selected other artists who complement NEXUS’s vision.]]>

The email I’ve been anxiously awaiting for the last month just arrived this morning. It read a little different than I had hoped.

Dear Joseph,
Thank you for applying to became a member of NEXUS/Foundation for Today’s Art and giving us the opportunity to view your work. We were fortunate to secure very strong candidates for membership this year. It was a difficult and lengthy process reviewing the numerous portfolios of talented and innovative artists to find those who most matched the mission of NEXUS. Though the members found your work noteworthy we regret to inform you that they selected other artists who complement NEXUS’s vision.

Again, thank you for your interest in NEXUS/Foundation for Today’s Art. Please continue to check our website for future opportunities and exhibitions that may be of interest.You may pick up your original work this Wednesday through Friday 12 to 6 PM and beginning next week on Friday.

Sincerely,
Leah Reynolds/Elaine M. Erne/Mira Gohel
NEXUS/Membership Directors

So there it is. Another rejection. Another failure. I’ve been barking up the wrong tree(s) for years now, and I haven’t learned. This letter comes shortly after I just scored a second letterpress. I’m currently working on some holiday cards to sell. But, they won’t sell. The money spent to create them will not be recouped. They will be left on the shelf of any store that chooses to stock them. They’ll end up in my basement next to all the cool DDC album packages that no one wanted; the ones I spent countless hours working on and getting excited about and promoting. And all those prints that I make and list on megahurt.net. You know, the site that all the galleries look at right before they reject me in my attempts to land a show. But I guess they won’t be in the basement for too long, since soon enough I won’t have a basement. Once the house sells I’ll have to move into another apartment that won’t be big enough to hold even 1/4 of what is in this house. Darwin’s swing that hangs on the tree out back? Gone. His little play house, and dump truck, and sprinkler? Nope. There will be no place for any of them. There will certainly not be any room for the useless printing presses and cases full of type either. I feel like I have nothing, and what I do have will soon become an insurmountable burden.

I’m quickly running out of reasons to wake up every day. Not that I really ever get to sleep, but still. I try to tell myself that my purpose is Darwin. To care for him, and love him, and teach him things, and create a valuable bond with him. Well, thanks to his Autism, I get the feeling that if I never came home again he wouldn’t ever really notice. I know that sounds like an exaggeration, but it’s true. He spent tons of time around my mom and grandmom. Hell, the dog too. Thos ladies loved that kid and showered him with attention all the time. They dropped dead and he never once uttered a single syllable that related to them in any way. He wasn’t effected in any way whatsoever. He seems to like animals, and was always curious about Bird. But the dog went away, and not a word. Not one “doggy”? Nothing. I would be no different. Does he laugh and hug me and enjoy some of our time together? Sure. But if it ended right now he would barely notice. And that hurts. It also hurts that all the incredibly deep feelings and important ideas that I want to share with him may never be understood. Again, considering his current development and the way that many people with his condition develop over time, Darwin may never get to a point where he’ll understand concepts any more complex than what he does right now. Essentially, 95% of what I have to say will fall on deaf ears. I can’t describe the intense level of frustration and hopelessness that comes with this.

Add in the fact that I can’t seem to earn any consistent living, and have almost no desire to ever pursue a real “relationship” with anyone… what am I even doing here?

]]> http://gethurt.com/2010/11/02/try-fail-repeat/feed/ 3 http://gethurt.com/2010/09/09/everything-is-gone/ http://gethurt.com/2010/09/09/everything-is-gone/#comments Thu, 09 Sep 2010 16:48:40 +0000 Joseph http://gethurt.com/?p=759 The house is officially up for sale. I wasn't able to come up with the $30,000 that I needed to settle the estate, so I need to let the house go. I grew up in this house. I recorded almost all of my music here. I laughed, cried, played, fought, collapsed, and made love in this house. I watched three people deteriorate toward death in this house. I've seen objects penetrate walls here. I saw blood spill on the floor. My son's first swing hangs on the tree out back. I have an old printing press in the garage. It was the only thing my 'family' had to give to me, and I'm unable to keep it.]]>

The house is officially up for sale. I wasn’t able to come up with the $30,000 that I needed to settle the estate, so I need to let the house go. I grew up in this house. I recorded almost all of my music here. I laughed, cried, played, fought, collapsed, and made love in this house. I watched three people deteriorate toward death in this house. I’ve seen objects penetrate walls here. I saw blood spill on the floor. My son’s first swing hangs on the tree out back. I have an old printing press in the garage. It was the only thing my ‘family’ had to give to me, and I’m unable to keep it.

Despite the fact that the house has mold in the basement, 30+ year old paneling on some walls, and is generally a piece of shit, it’s very familiar to me. There’s not much in the world that holds any familiarity with me, so that’s pretty valuable. Most of the people in my life have come and gone, through death or some other means. Everything is so temporary. I loved the idea of having that one permanent thing. That place that would always be there. It would grow and change with me, and be my shelter from the endless barrage of wretched bullshit that fills the outside world. I’ve lived in 8 different places since 2001, but my address never changed. This was always home base. Now it isn’t. And now Darwin gets to be dragged around too.

Once the house sells, I’ll be back in some rented place that surely won’t be able to accommodate all our things, and will suck away all my money with nothing left to show for it at the end. I just wanted some roots.

]]> http://gethurt.com/2010/09/09/everything-is-gone/feed/ 0 http://gethurt.com/2010/08/04/darwin-has-autism/ http://gethurt.com/2010/08/04/darwin-has-autism/#comments Thu, 05 Aug 2010 00:55:28 +0000 Joseph http://gethurt.com/?p=747 Last week, Darwin had a "full team evaluation" at The Children's Hospital Of Philadelphia. He met with 4 different therapists and doctors who led him through various tests, engaging him in different ways to evaluate his behavior as it relates to the Autism Spectrum. Today, his mother and I met with the team again to discuss their observations, the diagnosis, and the recommended treatment. The diagnosis is autism. Point blank, no bones about it. Does an atomic bomb do just as much damage if you see it coming? Yes it does.]]>

Last week, Darwin had a “full team evaluation” at The Children’s Hospital Of Philadelphia. He met with 4 different therapists and doctors who led him through various tests, engaging him in different ways to evaluate his behavior as it relates to the Autism Spectrum. Today, his mother and I met with the team again to discuss their observations, the diagnosis, and the recommended treatment.

The diagnosis is autism. Point blank, no bones about it. Does an atomic bomb do just as much damage if you see it coming? Yes it does.

We talked a good bit about specific parts of Darwin’s behavior, his strengths and weaknesses. I suppose the bulk of the conversation focused on the services and treatment we need to get for him. Let me tell you, it is an overwhelming mountain of shit. Schools, therapists, doctors, insurance, and an endless amount of red tape and bullshit to cut through. And at the end of the day, it’s pretty damn likely that Darwin’s life will always be harder, which is exactly what I never wanted. Since the day I knew of his existence, I was sure that I would do everything I could to make his life feel better, and a bit easier than mine has been. All of the awkwardness that the average child feels will potentially be amplified for him. There’s a very good chance that Darwin will always be “different”. The degree of that difference will only become clear with the passing of time, but I’m pretty damned sure that kids along the way will notice him being a bit different, and many of them won’t be kind. I was on the receiving end of plenty of bullying, and senseless pestering during my childhood and adolescence, and that was mostly just because of my appearance and taste in music. If I had some real, tangible “issue” to be pointed out… I can only imagine.

Trust me when I say I will do absolutely everything I can for this boy. But this sucks. =(

PS. Jenny McCarthy is an idiot, and vaccinations do not cause autism.

]]> http://gethurt.com/2010/08/04/darwin-has-autism/feed/ 2 http://gethurt.com/2010/06/15/something-is-up-with-darwin/ http://gethurt.com/2010/06/15/something-is-up-with-darwin/#comments Tue, 15 Jun 2010 16:24:22 +0000 Joseph http://gethurt.com/?p=742 Before Darwin, I'd never spent any considerable time around young children. So once he was born, every day proved to be a new experience, which is still the case. Because of that, I didn't have a great basis for comparison between him and any other "normal" kid. But once he became slightly more mobile and I started to see him in the context of playing with or near other children, I started to notice differences. Subtle differences maybe, but I saw them. I was told that I was being paranoid, and that he was totally fine.]]>

Before Darwin, I’d never spent any considerable time around young children. So once he was born, every day proved to be a new experience, which is still the case. Because of that, I didn’t have a great basis for comparison between him and any other “normal” kid. But once he became slightly more mobile and I started to see him in the context of playing with or near other children, I started to notice differences. Subtle differences maybe, but I saw them. I was told that I was being paranoid, and that he was totally fine.

I also started to feel concerned about his speech development. Lack of speech development, actually. At one point early on I even had Early Intervention come to my apartment to evaluate him. Three women came and spent some time with Darwin, playing, talking, taking notes. At the end it was determined that he was “fine”, and there was no considerable delay in his speech development. I felt relieved to have some official person tell me that, but I couldn’t shake the feelings I was having. I saw the way other kids acted, and how they spoke, and to me it just didn’t match up with what I was seeing from Darwin.

I kept digging and had him evaluated again, somewhere else. This time around they said yes, he does have enough of a speech delay to warrant speech therapy. So, for over six months now I’ve taken him to speech therapy twice a week. Is his speech better than it was? Sure, but the passing of time will do that with or without his speech therapy in my opinion. Is it where it should be? Not even close. And still, speech is only one part of what I see. I’ve asked his doctors and speech therapists if they thought there was any possibility of autism. I searched around a bit and i found some things that matched up enough to give me some concern, so I asked. One by one, every doctor and therapist looked at me and almost chuckled, “Noo, no, not at all.” I even set him up for a specific Autism Evaluation at one point, but I had to cancel the appointment when I was told that his insurance wouldn’t cover it, and it would be $1,500 just for the evaluation. Meanwhile, Darwin is nearly three years old and he has never once asked me “Why?”. It kills me.

I hounded his therapists enough that they gave me a list of people to contact. I hit up some people at C.H.O.P. and filled out a huge stack of forms with all kinds of questions about Darwin and his behavior. This was several months ago, and I still do not have an appointment. They even called us more recently to say that his behaviors are considered a “red flag” and that he would be getting a “full team evaluation”, which is the big mother, all-in kind of evaluation they give to the kids they think need that kind of attention. But still, no appointment. It really is unbelievable that it takes this long. A considerable fraction of his life is passing by while we have to just sit and wait.

I have no idea how all this will play out, but I do know that I’m sort of scared shitless about it. I want this boy to have a normal life, and I want so badly to sit and have a meaningful conversation with him. Every day I look for some sort of change in the right direction. I hope it comes.

]]> http://gethurt.com/2010/06/15/something-is-up-with-darwin/feed/ 1 http://gethurt.com/2010/05/20/i-wanna-be-an-artist-when-i-grow-up/ http://gethurt.com/2010/05/20/i-wanna-be-an-artist-when-i-grow-up/#comments Thu, 20 May 2010 16:13:00 +0000 Joseph http://gethurt.com/?p=728 I've been thinking a lot about my art lately. And by lately, I mean since this past October or so. I spent a really long time working on the last DDC album and live performances, and I was just really starting to feel the itch to work on my printmaking again. I hadn't touched any of it since my show in December 2008. It was time. To become motivated enough to ensure output, I generally like to have a show scheduled so that there's a real deadline to be met. When possible, I give myself several months so that the show is populated with as much new work as possible. There was already a vague theme in mind for the new work, and a few specific printing methods that I wanted to focus on.]]>

I’ve been thinking a lot about my art lately. And by lately, I mean since this past October or so. I spent a really long time working on the last DDC album and live performances, and I was just really starting to feel the itch to work on my printmaking again. I hadn’t touched any of it since my show in December 2008. It was time.

To become motivated enough to ensure output, I generally like to have a show scheduled so that there’s a real deadline to be met. When possible, I give myself several months so that the show is populated with as much new work as possible. There was already a vague theme in mind for the new work, and a few specific printing methods that I wanted to focus on. A few sketches, and a bunch of notes and lists were being compiled. That’s how it all starts. Then my Mother died, which caused some of my attention to shift elsewhere. Then my Grandmother died, which immediately caused just about all attention to shift elsewhere. All of a sudden I was thrown into dealing with funeral shit, family shit, moving out of my apartment, and the still-unfolding bullshit saga of taking actual ownership of the house I grew up in. Not to mention having portions of it rebuilt. All the while I’ve been playing a large role in building up and working in a recording studio that I hope brings in some consistent income at some point. My goal of a solo show in August or September is no longer an option.

As of now, I’m back to the thinking, sketching, and writing that will eventually lead to new prints. I’ve also been taking steps toward finding and securing a suitable venue for my next show, which, if I have my way, will be in May 2011. As this time has passed, I’ve occasionally looked back over my past work, especially the prints that made up my last show. In doing so, I’ve been able to see which things most represent what I want my art to be. For better or worse, those things that I like the best seem to be the most far away from what I see so much of around Philadelphia. I’m not sure if that will come to help me or hurt me in the long run, but the cynical majority of my brain tends to think that it will probably work against my chances of showing in more significant spaces.

Come to think of it, what does “significant spaces” even mean? My big illegal posters of Mike Tyson, Sade, and Pete Townshend have surely been seen by more people than any of the stuff I’ve had hanging in shows. While I’ve had what I considered respectable headcounts at my openings, it’s never been anything that resembles the mob scene that happens at the Crane Arts building or the fancy pants Old City galleries, just like the cash generated at my shows probably doesn’t resemble what’s going on over there either. Now I’m rambling on about headcounts and cash like some greedy corporate executive… is that what it’s about? Money? The easy, and honest-to-a-point answer is no. Of course not. I make my art (and music) because I feel compelled to express myself using the images and sounds that appear in my mind as I trudge through life. And on top of that, I truly enjoy the processes used to create these things, and the feeling I get when I accomplish an artistic goal. But at the end of the day, after I’ve spent a year or more making an album or a bunch of new artwork, just showing it to myself doesn’t feel quite good enough. Part of me needs people to see it. The more the merrier. And when creating what I create costs me money, I feel some pressure to try and make that money back or, dare I say it, make some profit.

So far I’ve mentioned spaces to show art, and money. They come together in a big way in Philadelphia (and other cities too I’m sure) in the form of co-op galleries. This is a gallery that has a group of artist members who pay to be a part of the group. In exchange for your money you get to say you’re part of that group and you get to hang your work there at specified intervals. The cost is pretty steep, but first you need to be voted in. The example I’ll use is Nexus. I choose that one because it’s the main co-op that I’ve ever considered applying to. I’ve been there many times when it lived in Old City as well as its current home in the Crane Arts building. My good friend Rebecca Gilbert is a member there, and aside from being my printmaking Yoda, she’s an all-around awesome artist and teacher who is incredibly dedicated to her craft. If she thinks it’s good to be a member there, the idea is worth at least looking into. Here are the benefits and responsibilities as listed on the Nexus web site:

MEMBERSHIP BENEFITS
• Solo exhibition every two years
• Group member exhibitions
• Exchange exhibitions with other galleries
• Curatorial opportunities
• 0% commission on sales
• Access to exhibition opportunities and calls for entry
• Gain experience with gallery preparation and arts administration
• Access to funding

MEMBERSHIP RESPONSIBILITIES
• $100 initiation fee
• $50 monthly dues
• One day a month of gallery staffing
• Four hours of gallery-related work each calendar quarter
• Attendance at membership meetings
• Attendance at artist membership reviews
• Two year membership contract

Since the contract is for two years, you are guaranteed to pay $1,300 and have one solo show. And I’m not 100% certain, but the “solo” show may actually be split with another person. Maybe not a big deal since the space is pretty big, but worth mentioning. So, for it to make good financial sense, you have to believe that the one show you are guaranteed to have will generate at least $1,300 is sales. And that’s assuming the art in that show costs nothing to make, which is impossible. Now, it’s not a purely financial decision either. Aside from the show, you get to make connections, surround yourself with artist peers, and have a nice line on your résumé.

This is all quite a lot to think about. My goal for my next show is simply to have it be a significant improvement over my last one. I have no idea where or when it will take place, but I’m certain that it will be my best work to date.

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