Last week, Darwin had a “full team evaluation” at The Children’s Hospital Of Philadelphia. He met with 4 different therapists and doctors who led him through various tests, engaging him in different ways to evaluate his behavior as it relates to the Autism Spectrum. Today, his mother and I met with the team again to discuss their observations, the diagnosis, and the recommended treatment.

The diagnosis is autism. Point blank, no bones about it. Does an atomic bomb do just as much damage if you see it coming? Yes it does.

We talked a good bit about specific parts of Darwin’s behavior, his strengths and weaknesses. I suppose the bulk of the conversation focused on the services and treatment we need to get for him. Let me tell you, it is an overwhelming mountain of shit. Schools, therapists, doctors, insurance, and an endless amount of red tape and bullshit to cut through. And at the end of the day, it’s pretty damn likely that Darwin’s life will always be harder, which is exactly what I never wanted. Since the day I knew of his existence, I was sure that I would do everything I could to make his life feel better, and a bit easier than mine has been. All of the awkwardness that the average child feels will potentially be amplified for him. There’s a very good chance that Darwin will always be “different”. The degree of that difference will only become clear with the passing of time, but I’m pretty damned sure that kids along the way will notice him being a bit different, and many of them won’t be kind. I was on the receiving end of plenty of bullying, and senseless pestering during my childhood and adolescence, and that was mostly just because of my appearance and taste in music. If I had some real, tangible “issue” to be pointed out… I can only imagine.

Trust me when I say I will do absolutely everything I can for this boy. But this sucks. =(

PS. Jenny McCarthy is an idiot, and vaccinations do not cause autism.

Before Darwin, I’d never spent any considerable time around young children. So once he was born, every day proved to be a new experience, which is still the case. Because of that, I didn’t have a great basis for comparison between him and any other “normal” kid. But once he became slightly more mobile and I started to see him in the context of playing with or near other children, I started to notice differences. Subtle differences maybe, but I saw them. I was told that I was being paranoid, and that he was totally fine.

I also started to feel concerned about his speech development. Lack of speech development, actually. At one point early on I even had Early Intervention come to my apartment to evaluate him. Three women came and spent some time with Darwin, playing, talking, taking notes. At the end it was determined that he was “fine”, and there was no considerable delay in his speech development. I felt relieved to have some official person tell me that, but I couldn’t shake the feelings I was having. I saw the way other kids acted, and how they spoke, and to me it just didn’t match up with what I was seeing from Darwin.

I kept digging and had him evaluated again, somewhere else. This time around they said yes, he does have enough of a speech delay to warrant speech therapy. So, for over six months now I’ve taken him to speech therapy twice a week. Is his speech better than it was? Sure, but the passing of time will do that with or without his speech therapy in my opinion. Is it where it should be? Not even close. And still, speech is only one part of what I see. I’ve asked his doctors and speech therapists if they thought there was any possibility of autism. I searched around a bit and i found some things that matched up enough to give me some concern, so I asked. One by one, every doctor and therapist looked at me and almost chuckled, “Noo, no, not at all.” I even set him up for a specific Autism Evaluation at one point, but I had to cancel the appointment when I was told that his insurance wouldn’t cover it, and it would be $1,500 just for the evaluation. Meanwhile, Darwin is nearly three years old and he has never once asked me “Why?”. It kills me.

I hounded his therapists enough that they gave me a list of people to contact. I hit up some people at C.H.O.P. and filled out a huge stack of forms with all kinds of questions about Darwin and his behavior. This was several months ago, and I still do not have an appointment. They even called us more recently to say that his behaviors are considered a “red flag” and that he would be getting a “full team evaluation”, which is the big mother, all-in kind of evaluation they give to the kids they think need that kind of attention. But still, no appointment. It really is unbelievable that it takes this long. A considerable fraction of his life is passing by while we have to just sit and wait.

I have no idea how all this will play out, but I do know that I’m sort of scared shitless about it. I want this boy to have a normal life, and I want so badly to sit and have a meaningful conversation with him. Every day I look for some sort of change in the right direction. I hope it comes.

A few weeks ago, I was at the playground with Darwin, pushing him on a swing. He was smiling, giggling occasionally. We were having a nice relaxing day together. For whatever reason, it dawned on me that such a thing had never been shared between my father and I. I get really emotional when I slow down and notice all of the little things that he and I do together. Like holding hands and walking, carrying him on my shoulders, playing with a ball, feeding him lunch, listening to music together, laying him down to sleep, kissing him, and just about everything.

Just the other day, while at another little playground with him, I was going over some DDC lyrics in my mind to try to memorize them since we’re now gearing up to perform live. This was the weirdest thing… just a moment after playing back a line that says “and if you should ever fall, you know I’m right behind you”, Darwin fell. Mind you, this is a song written about him. He was climbing some relatively big stairs to get up to a slide, and slipped or took a wrong step. In a split second, he fell backwards and twisted slightly toward the edge of the stairs, essentially aiming him off the side, and down to what would surely have been an ugly incident. But, I was right behind him. I caught him and propped him right back up and he was none the wiser. He went right back to business and went down the slide, smiling all the way. Something my father never did for me.

As these months fly by, I find myself thinking about it more and more. Just watching us in slow motion and trying to enjoy it all while I can. Even on the rough days when he’s being extra difficult, I lay down at night, and he is on my mind. I see that funny face, and hear his silly babbles. I miss him when he’s not with me. He’s inspired artwork, songs, been the subject of an unreasonable amount of photos and videos, and this is just the first 22 months! It’s like nothing I’ve ever experienced.

Despite the fact that 99.9999% of my life is one one big regrettable disaster, I can honestly say that I know what true love feels like.

Lately I’ve been feeling like I have so much on my mind, that forming a concise, focused blog entry seems impossible to do. With so much going on, and so many issues to deal with all the time, it could be easy to overlook some of these precious moments that I have with Darwin while he’s so young. Luckily I think I do a good job at keeping that perspective.

Since I’m a generally negative person, I spend plenty of time thinking about bad things, sad things, and just all around negative shit that I feel is sure to come my way. One of the most popular negativities in my brain is the idea that I won’t be able to have the close relationship with Darwin that I want so badly to have. It isn’t a complete fabrication of course; I get reminded fairly often that “things won’t always be this way”, referring to when he gets a little older and I’m no longer able to spend every day with him. Trust me when I tell you that I will be crushed when that day comes. I already shed tears just thinking about it. I want my relationship with Darwin to be as different from the relationship between my father and I as I can possibly make it.

Anyway, Darwin is awesome. At 15 months old he is running full speed through the house, park, mall, bookstore and anywhere else he’s let loose. He’s extremely curious about his surroundings, his favorite playthings are anything that he isn’t allowed to touch, and he has almost no fear or concern for his own well-being. As far as speaking goes, he regularly uses: mama, dada, baba, shoe, book, ball, and a few others. Unfortunately, the ear infections that plagued him through his early months have continued to be a problem. He’s now scheduled to have surgery to insert tubes into his ears in a couple of weeks. I’m told it’s a very common procedure, and that he should feel much better afterward. It’s a little worrisome, but I’m just anxious to have him be pain free since he’s spent most of his little life with these nagging ear infections on top of teething, constantly falling down, and all the other inherent hardships that come with learning how to function on planet Earth.

My life was better before. When exactly was “before” though? And better how? I’m not sure, maybe. But I feel like right now everything sucks really, really bad. I am still constantly overwhelmed by the idea that I technically do not live with my son. At this point it hardly matters, because he’s with me for roughly 9 of the 12 hours that he’s awake each day. But that won’t always be true.

Once he’s a little older and has somewhere to be, like if he goes to some kind of day care or kindergarten, I’ll be missing out. I already miss out on giving him baths most of the time, which was one of my favorite things to do when I was living there. I’m not there to see him freaking out with his cool toys in the evening. I’m not able to go peep on him in his crib while he sleeps, which is the cutest thing ever. I miss all of it, and the whole thing just crushes me. I try to tell myself over and over that I did the right thing, but that doesn’t make this any easier. I constantly look ahead to times when he fully understands the situation and wants me there. And when he needs me and doesn’t even know it. I want to be with him, for him. And for me.

I felt such a strong bond with him when he was a small baby, and the idea of losing that is just devastating. It’s an unfortunate situation, and there’s no good answer. It happens to tons of people everywhere, and the world goes on. But I want his world to include a very present, hands-on Father. I really hope that can be possible.

No, this isn’t about the remix album. This is my life, and it is a complete fucking wreck.

The Batcave has been a total disaster. I haven’t even had it for two weeks, and just about everything has gone wrong with the place. Yesterday I sent my landlord and email outlining all the problems, and explaining that I plan to move out. I signed a lease, so we’ll see how well that goes. But really, the place is fucked up and I shouldn’t have to keep it. And if I do manage to get out? Well I guess it’s back to the fucked up house in Woodlyn with no privacy, no sanity, constant bitching and nagging, and no good room for Darwin to romp around. But hey, it’s rent free! =P

And man, I’m not sure if I saw this one coming or not, but sometimes I miss being at the other apartment. I’ve been over there only for very short bits of time, usually just long enough to pick up Darwin or drop him off. Yesterday I was there a little longer. I gave him a bath before taking him with me for the night. I really enjoy giving him a bath, and that is where I’ve always done it. It’s comfortable that way, and all of his things are there. Then after the bath I took him out to the spacious-enough living room and he played with all his cool toys that he has there. He’s familiar with the space and seems to enjoy it much more than anywhere else. Even without seeing all that, I’m lonely. I start to think that maybe that life was the right choice after all. Did I make a mistake in leaving? My emotions fuck me with so much, it’s impossible to know what the right move is. I wanted to hold my family together soooo bad, but I felt like all my attempts had failed, and so leaving was the only option. Did I try as hard as I could? Was my head fully in the game? Is my head ever fully in the fucking game?! I don’t know. All I know is that I second guess my self a whole lot, and having Darwin in the middle of all of it doesn’t make things any easier. Of course my interactions with his Mother haven’t exactly been the most pleasant, so I do get reminded of why I left. But still, it’s very hard. I guess if I had a stable job, a car, and a nice apartment (like she does) it would be easy to look at my life and see how I’m better off now. But, I don’t. I don’t have any of those things, and none of them seem immediately within my reach. I’m too salty to continue, but you get the idea. Fuck everybody.

PS. my post today was supposed to be about UFC 87 and how I now have some kind of man crush on Brock Lesnar, but whatever. Now the moment has been ruined.

Darwin’s Birthday was Friday (July 25). Parts of the day really sucked, but the bulk of it was spent with just the two of us, which was really nice. I took him on the train to the city, and we hit up the Please Touch Museum and Pita Pit. Ok, he slept through Pita Pit, but still, I love eating there. That was his Birthday, and that was the day I cared about. I had fun with him.

Today was his birthday party. I hate birthday parties, especially when they are on some random day that isn’t even the persons birthday. I also hate… well, to be honest, I hated everything about this fucking party. I knew what it would be like, I saw the planning stages, and it’s just not something I’m into. Under no circumstances would I tolerate participating in something like that in exchange for some toys for Darwin if it were up to me. Of course, it isn’t up to me at all. I ordered about 30-something invitations for this party, of which 3 or 4 were for me. Rather than even mail my 3 invitations, I just sent them out through email. Well, no one I invited showed up. Not one. Am I mad? No, I’m not mad. I don’t know what I am. I guess I’m not surprised. I’ve always felt like I’m basically alone in this treacherous fucking war, and so be it. I’ll fight alone until Darwin is old and wise enough to join me by my side as an equal. Like I said, I wouldn’t have been there either if I didn’t have to be, so whatever.

Anyway, the party. It was the same old shit. The same old people that I have nothing to do with, at the same old place that I hate going. At one point some real classy bitch spilled a beer into the tray holding Darwin’s freshly cut birthday cake (that took his Mother and I over an hour to decorate). Why the fuck is beer even at a childs first birthday party? If you’d rather be at a fucking kegger, go find one assholes! I swear, when I saw that bottle tip into his cake my fists clenched and I pictured myself opening my mouth full of sharp fangs and breathing fire like Godzilla x 10! I wanted to raze that whole scene, and just blow the ashes down the bullshit cookie cutter suburban street that it sits on.

Darwin didn’t get a very good nap earlier in the day either, so he got pretty tired, and therefore a little cranky. But of course you can’t just take him home and let the poor child rest. Ooohh no, he has to stay there in case anyone wants to gawk at him between the mouthfuls of beer and free food. Who is the priority here anyway? Should the birthday boy be miserable at his own party for the sake of some guests (several of whom were not welcome by either parent)? Or should everyone just have to fucking deal with it when the kid is tired and has to go home?

Whatever, I’m done. Next year will probably be exactly the same. Fuck it.

PS. That photo was taken as I got home. It was the best thing I saw all day.

A year has passed since Darwin was born (a year on Friday, actually). I’ve been thinking about what I would write for this post, and as usual, I fail to find the words. I find it nearly impossible to encapsulate my feelings for this boy, and about the whole experience of being thrust face first into Fatherhood. I can’t tell you how much time I spend just staring at him in amazement while he plays, or sleeps, or just about anything. Not so much when he’s crying or screaming though.

I’ve taken a ton of photos and videos of him, and looking back at how he’s changed really is astounding. While the pictures are great, watching him in person as he romps all around the house just amplifies the amazing evolution (no pun intended) that he’s undergone. Despite the fact that his vocabulary is seriously in need of an upgrade, he’s developed a personality all his own. In fact, he’s one of the most expressive little kids I’ve ever seen. I pretty sure that comes from his Mother.

As far as actually being a Father goes… well, I love it. Surprisingly, I don’t feel as though I had to make the big, crazy, life-altering sacrifices I was slightly afraid of. I guess if I made a day-by-day comparison of life before Darwin and life with Darwin, sure, I have less alone time. But really, it’s a pretty fair trade. I’ve still spent time making music, playing shows, working on my art, working my job(s), going to concerts, movies, and hanging out with friends. So while changes have been made, I don’t feel bad about the level of sacrifice whatsoever.

Other things cross my mind as he reaches his first birthday, one of which has been the issue of his grandfather (my father). I’ve not spoken to him since before I learned that my child was going to be a boy. I spoke to his voice mail that day to deliver the news. I never got a call back, and that was that. So, he’s never seen Darwin. I would bet my life that he won’t ever make the move to contact me, so the only chance for them to properly meet would be for me to swallow my pride and make the call. I don’t feel very motivated to continue chasing that relationship, especially when he’s clearly proven that he isn’t interested. My concern is for the day Darwin finally asks about his grandfather. I’m going to have to give him an answer. Do I lie? Or do I tell him that “Granddad knew all about you, but wasn’t interested and has never called us”? It’s a tough call, but on the list of countless tough calls that my life as a Father will include, I feel like this one shouldn’t be near the top.

In closing, I love this child in a way that I will never love anyone else. It’s intense and unconditional. With my own innocence long gone, I enjoy watching as he experiences the world in such a pure way. I’m going to try and slow the passing of time, so I can really savor this precious phase of our lives.

Under no circumstances did I ever intend for that last post to remain at the top of this site for that long. I’m sorry.

Anyway, I’m not sure what my deal is. I think about posting on here pretty often, but lately I just haven’t found the time/energy/motivation. As usual, my life has been all kinds of up and down, and I plan to spew out a much more detailed version of that sometime in the near future.

In short, art is slightly happening which I am happy about, music is not, Darwin is awesome and about to turn one, relationship is… yah, and work is funny. More soon, for real.

Yesterday I celebrated my first Father’s Day as a father. That video gives you a pretty good idea of how I spent most of the day, aside from romping through the city earlier in the afternoon eating everything in sight.

Overall the day was very good. I was worried that it wouldn’t be, because Saturday was a total fucking nightmare. I woke up on Sunday morning, like most mornings, to the sound of Darwin doing whatever the hell he does in his crib when he wakes up, and the woman moving about the room. She asked me if I wanted my present, which I surely did. I got a Panasonic SDR-SW20 camcorder. It isn’t some flashy high-end HD camera or anything, but it is exactly the one I wanted. It’s shock-proof, dust-proof, water-proof, records on tiny little SD cards, and fits right in my pocket. I really like it, and I’m certain it will be used to capture countless hours of cute Darwin action. Anyway, it was a good day at a time when most are not.

Oddly enough, I got through the entire day without ever thinking about my own father at all. It crossed my mind today though. Just like “Oh wow yesterday was Father’s Day and I didn’t talk to my Dad again…”. On we go.