doom, ad infinitum


I lost my job. I kinda sorta lost it before when my boss ran out of money, but now it’s really lost. And it could not have happened at a worse time. After that whole moving twice in a row bullshit, I have way less money in my bank account. And in a month (if that), I will have no money whatsoever in my bank account. My bills have piled up, I got royally fucked on my taxes, and now I have no income.

Seriously, I hate my life. I tried so hard to do well. I always wanted to do better than my “family” had done. I was the first to go to college, and sure, it was a shitty college that ended up fucking me in the end, but it was a huge challenge for me, and I got through it. I had grand plans of graduate school, good job, be good to my son, etc. All of it torn down brick by brick. I’m left with no job, a shitty car, and an apartment that I will probably be evicted from for lack of payment. I want so badly to just find stability in a job that pays me enough to get by semi-comfortably. At this point, my dream job pays me $400-$500 per week and let’s me spend my days with Darwin up until 4 PM or so. Everyone’s advice eventually comes down to suggesting that I just take a shitty job “for now”, as if there’s ever a way to dig out of that grave once you’re in it. Sure, I guess i could try to go beg some fast food restaurants for a job, and maybe I’ll have to do just that. But I am not exaggerating one bit when I tell you that I would rather have my face blown off by a shotgun than have that job. I do not want to flip a burger. I do not want to take your order, call your phone, clean up your mess, or stack any fucking boxes.

Life is meant to be lived, and I don’t feel very alive these days. Darwin means everything to me, but all I can think about is how I’m on track to be the huge disappointment that I never wanted to be. I walk through stores, even the supermarket, and see simple things that I want to get for him. And I just can’t get them. Not extravagant things mind you. I’m talking food, clothes, blocks, a book, a puzzle. I am constantly forced to think about money and how I have none, and how I can’t find a job. I was very confident that I was getting that other Digital Music Teacher position that I applied for, but in the end it was given to someone with a doctorate in music education.

I could go on and on, bitching about everything, because trust me there is plenty of bad shit to talk about. It all adds up to the fact that I hate my fucked up life and I really just wish it would end. Emo? Goth? Maybe. But truer than anything I’ve ever said.

3 Responses to doom, ad infinitum

  1. rob says:

    Dude go deliver pizza. If you can get in at double decker you can make at least 100 to 200 dollars a night.
    I used to live at 12th & Locust go to school all week, R2 back, work Friday to Sunday and sometimes clear 1500 bucks. Tax free.
    You drive around and listen to music and get tons of free food. Unhealthy food, but food none the less.

  2. Joseph Rose says:

    For the record, I’ve already been turned down by multiple pizza joints. Including Double Decker.

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