I lost my job. I kinda sorta lost it before when my boss ran out of money, but now it’s really lost. And it could not have happened at a worse time. After that whole moving twice in a row bullshit, I have way less money in my bank account. And in a month (if that), I will have no money whatsoever in my bank account. My bills have piled up, I got royally fucked on my taxes, and now I have no income.
Seriously, I hate my life. I tried so hard to do well. I always wanted to do better than my “family” had done. I was the first to go to college, and sure, it was a shitty college that ended up fucking me in the end, but it was a huge challenge for me, and I got through it. I had grand plans of graduate school, good job, be good to my son, etc. All of it torn down brick by brick. I’m left with no job, a shitty car, and an apartment that I will probably be evicted from for lack of payment. I want so badly to just find stability in a job that pays me enough to get by semi-comfortably. At this point, my dream job pays me $400-$500 per week and let’s me spend my days with Darwin up until 4 PM or so. Everyone’s advice eventually comes down to suggesting that I just take a shitty job “for now”, as if there’s ever a way to dig out of that grave once you’re in it. Sure, I guess i could try to go beg some fast food restaurants for a job, and maybe I’ll have to do just that. But I am not exaggerating one bit when I tell you that I would rather have my face blown off by a shotgun than have that job. I do not want to flip a burger. I do not want to take your order, call your phone, clean up your mess, or stack any fucking boxes.
Life is meant to be lived, and I don’t feel very alive these days. Darwin means everything to me, but all I can think about is how I’m on track to be the huge disappointment that I never wanted to be. I walk through stores, even the supermarket, and see simple things that I want to get for him. And I just can’t get them. Not extravagant things mind you. I’m talking food, clothes, blocks, a book, a puzzle. I am constantly forced to think about money and how I have none, and how I can’t find a job. I was very confident that I was getting that other Digital Music Teacher position that I applied for, but in the end it was given to someone with a doctorate in music education.
I could go on and on, bitching about everything, because trust me there is plenty of bad shit to talk about. It all adds up to the fact that I hate my fucked up life and I really just wish it would end. Emo? Goth? Maybe. But truer than anything I’ve ever said.