Monthly Archives: September 2008

dead ahead

My life was better before. When exactly was “before” though? And better how? I’m not sure, maybe. But I feel like right now everything sucks really, really bad. I am still constantly overwhelmed by the idea that I technically do not live with my son. At this point it hardly matters, because he’s with me for roughly 9 of the 12 hours that he’s awake each day. But that won’t always be true.

Once he’s a little older and has somewhere to be, like if he goes to some kind of day care or kindergarten, I’ll be missing out. I already miss out on giving him baths most of the time, which was one of my favorite things to do when I was living there. I’m not there to see him freaking out with his cool toys in the evening. I’m not able to go peep on him in his crib while he sleeps, which is the cutest thing ever. I miss all of it, and the whole thing just crushes me. I try to tell myself over and over that I did the right thing, but that doesn’t make this any easier. I constantly look ahead to times when he fully understands the situation and wants me there. And when he needs me and doesn’t even know it. I want to be with him, for him. And for me.

I felt such a strong bond with him when he was a small baby, and the idea of losing that is just devastating. It’s an unfortunate situation, and there’s no good answer. It happens to tons of people everywhere, and the world goes on. But I want his world to include a very present, hands-on Father. I really hope that can be possible.


With very, very few exceptions, I can confidently say that I don’t like Country music. I recently came across some mention of Darius Rucker having the number one album on the Billboard Country charts. I was intrigued. I’m a huge fan of the first Hootie & the Blowfish album; Cracked Rear View. In fact, IContinue Reading

St. Anger

Sometimes I say things to my “grandmother” (no bloodline), that people would find surprising, shocking, and probably pretty mean. I tell her that I hope she dies. I tell her that I hate her fucking guts. Sometimes it’s more standard stuff like “Drop dead”, “fuck you”, “fuck off”, stuff like that. I say it asContinue Reading

doomsday update

WORK: I lost my job. The school jerked me around all Summer, never giving me a straight answer as to when I would start, what my hours would be, and how much I would get paid. Then, at the last minute, they cut the program completely, leaving me unemployed. Needless to say, this is aContinue Reading

I am nowhere.

I just stumbled upon this map of “the Tumblverse”. Specifically the area around where I live. Now, if you are asking yourself “what the heck is a tumblverse?”, then you are part of what I am writing about, and you probably live in an area where there are no red dots. You probably live inContinue Reading