No, this isn’t about the remix album. This is my life, and it is a complete fucking wreck.
The Batcave has been a total disaster. I haven’t even had it for two weeks, and just about everything has gone wrong with the place. Yesterday I sent my landlord and email outlining all the problems, and explaining that I plan to move out. I signed a lease, so we’ll see how well that goes. But really, the place is fucked up and I shouldn’t have to keep it. And if I do manage to get out? Well I guess it’s back to the fucked up house in Woodlyn with no privacy, no sanity, constant bitching and nagging, and no good room for Darwin to romp around. But hey, it’s rent free! =P
And man, I’m not sure if I saw this one coming or not, but sometimes I miss being at the other apartment. I’ve been over there only for very short bits of time, usually just long enough to pick up Darwin or drop him off. Yesterday I was there a little longer. I gave him a bath before taking him with me for the night. I really enjoy giving him a bath, and that is where I’ve always done it. It’s comfortable that way, and all of his things are there. Then after the bath I took him out to the spacious-enough living room and he played with all his cool toys that he has there. He’s familiar with the space and seems to enjoy it much more than anywhere else. Even without seeing all that, I’m lonely. I start to think that maybe that life was the right choice after all. Did I make a mistake in leaving? My emotions fuck me with so much, it’s impossible to know what the right move is. I wanted to hold my family together soooo bad, but I felt like all my attempts had failed, and so leaving was the only option. Did I try as hard as I could? Was my head fully in the game? Is my head ever fully in the fucking game?! I don’t know. All I know is that I second guess my self a whole lot, and having Darwin in the middle of all of it doesn’t make things any easier. Of course my interactions with his Mother haven’t exactly been the most pleasant, so I do get reminded of why I left. But still, it’s very hard. I guess if I had a stable job, a car, and a nice apartment (like she does) it would be easy to look at my life and see how I’m better off now. But, I don’t. I don’t have any of those things, and none of them seem immediately within my reach. I’m too salty to continue, but you get the idea. Fuck everybody.
PS. my post today was supposed to be about UFC 87 and how I now have some kind of man crush on Brock Lesnar, but whatever. Now the moment has been ruined.
