A year has passed since Darwin was born (a year on Friday, actually). I’ve been thinking about what I would write for this post, and as usual, I fail to find the words. I find it nearly impossible to encapsulate my feelings for this boy, and about the whole experience of being thrust face first into Fatherhood. I can’t tell you how much time I spend just staring at him in amazement while he plays, or sleeps, or just about anything. Not so much when he’s crying or screaming though.
I’ve taken a ton of photos and videos of him, and looking back at how he’s changed really is astounding. While the pictures are great, watching him in person as he romps all around the house just amplifies the amazing evolution (no pun intended) that he’s undergone. Despite the fact that his vocabulary is seriously in need of an upgrade, he’s developed a personality all his own. In fact, he’s one of the most expressive little kids I’ve ever seen. I pretty sure that comes from his Mother.
As far as actually being a Father goes… well, I love it. Surprisingly, I don’t feel as though I had to make the big, crazy, life-altering sacrifices I was slightly afraid of. I guess if I made a day-by-day comparison of life before Darwin and life with Darwin, sure, I have less alone time. But really, it’s a pretty fair trade. I’ve still spent time making music, playing shows, working on my art, working my job(s), going to concerts, movies, and hanging out with friends. So while changes have been made, I don’t feel bad about the level of sacrifice whatsoever.
Other things cross my mind as he reaches his first birthday, one of which has been the issue of his grandfather (my father). I’ve not spoken to him since before I learned that my child was going to be a boy. I spoke to his voice mail that day to deliver the news. I never got a call back, and that was that. So, he’s never seen Darwin. I would bet my life that he won’t ever make the move to contact me, so the only chance for them to properly meet would be for me to swallow my pride and make the call. I don’t feel very motivated to continue chasing that relationship, especially when he’s clearly proven that he isn’t interested. My concern is for the day Darwin finally asks about his grandfather. I’m going to have to give him an answer. Do I lie? Or do I tell him that “Granddad knew all about you, but wasn’t interested and has never called us”? It’s a tough call, but on the list of countless tough calls that my life as a Father will include, I feel like this one shouldn’t be near the top.
In closing, I love this child in a way that I will never love anyone else. It’s intense and unconditional. With my own innocence long gone, I enjoy watching as he experiences the world in such a pure way. I’m going to try and slow the passing of time, so I can really savor this precious phase of our lives.