I’ve had tons of heavy shit going on in my life over the last several months, and tons of heavy shit that is going to continue for some time. Here we go.
WORK: My main source of income over the last 2 years has been my daytime Music Production teaching gig. By the end of the year, I had a solid schedule in place, and I was making enough money to cover my ass and put a few bucks in the bank. Due to all kinds of bullshit at the school that has nothing to do with me, this coming school year is kind of up in the air. I still have a job, but I will certainly be losing some hours, and therefore, some money. There’s a possibility that the dude who was my boss at the school (Joe S.) will be doing an after-school program, which would be great. Oh yeah, I also just wrapped up a 3-week Summer Program at his studio in East Falls. He has a non-profit organization called Philadelphia Young Artist (PYA), and the program was made up mostly of kids from my school. We made jams for three weeks and then had a final show this past Saturday. It went well.
Here’s a video of some of the kids hanging out before the PYA finale:
The kids completed 8 or 9 songs over the three weeks, here are a couple of them:
Kachina & Mercedes (Royal Black) / “Love Me”
Turquoise / “Why?”
RELATIONSHIP: Ugh. This is hard to write about. It’s been the main thing on my mind for much of the last few years, but I’m usually unable to write about it openly because I try to respect the fact that it involves someone else. I have to walk that line while still feeling like I can express myself openly.
I was in a very intense relationship with the mother of my child on and off for 9 years. We loved each other more than we thought possible, but through it all we remained very different people with very different personalities that clashed much of the time. There are countless specific issues, but to summarize, we basically just couldn’t get along as well as people should get along to remain in a healthy relationship. The addition of Darwin caused every aspect of our existence together to become instantly more important. We could carry on, fighting, for years and years to come. And if not for Darwin, there’s a pretty realistic chance that we would do just that. But early this month, I was told to leave. The real, final, end of our relationship was imposed upon me, and I was told very explicitly that I was to go live elsewhere. It hurt, as everything always did, but I agreed with the idea that we had tried about as many times as any couple could.
In the end, I could have gone along with forcing it together, but chose not to. The main reason that I chose not to, is Darwin of course. I love that little boy so much, and the thought of him being poisoned by all the negativity that would very probably surround him just breaks my heart. I just can’t do it. I truly feel like his Mother and I will get along better this way if she allows us to. She’s a good person, and is very emotional, so right now things are pretty raw. These days I find myself on the wrong end of all that emotion pretty often. I’m just hoping it will all pass so the three of us can move on in a healthier way, and enjoy watching our beautiful son grow.
I am a single Father. Weird.
THE BATCAVE: Since it’s the end of the month, it was time for me to leave the apartment. On Monday I started looking for apartments on craigslist. By Tuesday afternoon, I had signed a lease and moved in. The process of moving is never fun, especially under the heavy emotional drama that surrounded this particular situation. It was all made possible by Anthony and Tricia. From the start, Anthony was totally willing to help me move, and at the last minute I asked Tricia if we could make use of her truck, and she never thought twice about it. I really appreciate them coming through for me that way.
So, the apartment… actually, the Batcave. It is an underground lair, right under the noses of the unsuspecting citizens of Norwood, PA. Once completed it will be filled wall to wall with amazing functional technology, a one-of-a-kind art collection, and plenty of random Darwin toys. There will be very little food, and at least one pizza box always in sight.
If anyone is willing to help clean the place, or can donate something useful to the cause, please feel free to do so. Once it’s functional, I’ll have some kind of housewarming get together. Y’know, so no one can come. It will rule!
Darwin’s Birthday was Friday (July 25). Parts of the day really sucked, but the bulk of it was spent with just the two of us, which was really nice. I took him on the train to the city, and we hit up the Please Touch Museum and Pita Pit. Ok, he slept through Pita Pit, but still, I love eating there. That was his Birthday, and that was the day I cared about. I had fun with him.
Today was his birthday party. I hate birthday parties, especially when they are on some random day that isn’t even the persons birthday. I also hate… well, to be honest, I hated everything about this fucking party. I knew what it would be like, I saw the planning stages, and it’s just not something I’m into. Under no circumstances would I tolerate participating in something like that in exchange for some toys for Darwin if it were up to me. Of course, it isn’t up to me at all. I ordered about 30-something invitations for this party, of which 3 or 4 were for me. Rather than even mail my 3 invitations, I just sent them out through email. Well, no one I invited showed up. Not one. Am I mad? No, I’m not mad. I don’t know what I am. I guess I’m not surprised. I’ve always felt like I’m basically alone in this treacherous fucking war, and so be it. I’ll fight alone until Darwin is old and wise enough to join me by my side as an equal. Like I said, I wouldn’t have been there either if I didn’t have to be, so whatever.
Anyway, the party. It was the same old shit. The same old people that I have nothing to do with, at the same old place that I hate going. At one point some real classy bitch spilled a beer into the tray holding Darwin’s freshly cut birthday cake (that took his Mother and I over an hour to decorate). Why the fuck is beer even at a childs first birthday party? If you’d rather be at a fucking kegger, go find one assholes! I swear, when I saw that bottle tip into his cake my fists clenched and I pictured myself opening my mouth full of sharp fangs and breathing fire like Godzilla x 10! I wanted to raze that whole scene, and just blow the ashes down the bullshit cookie cutter suburban street that it sits on.
Darwin didn’t get a very good nap earlier in the day either, so he got pretty tired, and therefore a little cranky. But of course you can’t just take him home and let the poor child rest. Ooohh no, he has to stay there in case anyone wants to gawk at him between the mouthfuls of beer and free food. Who is the priority here anyway? Should the birthday boy be miserable at his own party for the sake of some guests (several of whom were not welcome by either parent)? Or should everyone just have to fucking deal with it when the kid is tired and has to go home?
Whatever, I’m done. Next year will probably be exactly the same. Fuck it.
PS. That photo was taken as I got home. It was the best thing I saw all day.
In their promotional materials, One Day As a Lion is described as “A defiant affirmation of the possibilities that exist in the space between kick and snare. It’s a sonic reflection of the visceral tension between a picturesque fabricated cultural landscape, and the brutal socioeconomic realities it attempts to mask. One Day As A Lion is a recorded interaction between Zack de la Rocha and Jon Theodore from Los Angeles, California.”
That’s cool and all, but the part that really matters is where it says something about “recorded” and “Zack de la Rocha”. It’s been a long time since the breakup of Rage Against The Machine, and Zack is the only one who hasn’t released an album. It’s long overdue.
The 5-song One Day As A Lion EP is drums, buzzy keyboard sounds, and Zack spitting laser-guided fury like only he can. The shit is raw, and I really dig it. His flow is more direct and mature than ever before, and long gone is the repetitive screaming that made the first RATM album so damned angry. Don’t get it twisted though, our man hasn’t gone soft. These are far from love songs. I think the choice to go with such minimal instrumentation was a great move. It gives the whole record a noisy, rickety vibe, which places the focus on Zacks vocals. He even attempts to sing on a couple parts, and he did it pretty well. I wouldn’t wanna hear a whole album full of it, but it totally works in this context.
A year has passed since Darwin was born (a year on Friday, actually). I’ve been thinking about what I would write for this post, and as usual, I fail to find the words. I find it nearly impossible to encapsulate my feelings for this boy, and about the whole experience of being thrust face first into Fatherhood. I can’t tell you how much time I spend just staring at him in amazement while he plays, or sleeps, or just about anything. Not so much when he’s crying or screaming though.
I’ve taken a ton of photos and videos of him, and looking back at how he’s changed really is astounding. While the pictures are great, watching him in person as he romps all around the house just amplifies the amazing evolution (no pun intended) that he’s undergone. Despite the fact that his vocabulary is seriously in need of an upgrade, he’s developed a personality all his own. In fact, he’s one of the most expressive little kids I’ve ever seen. I pretty sure that comes from his Mother.
As far as actually being a Father goes… well, I love it. Surprisingly, I don’t feel as though I had to make the big, crazy, life-altering sacrifices I was slightly afraid of. I guess if I made a day-by-day comparison of life before Darwin and life with Darwin, sure, I have less alone time. But really, it’s a pretty fair trade. I’ve still spent time making music, playing shows, working on my art, working my job(s), going to concerts, movies, and hanging out with friends. So while changes have been made, I don’t feel bad about the level of sacrifice whatsoever.
Other things cross my mind as he reaches his first birthday, one of which has been the issue of his grandfather (my father). I’ve not spoken to him since before I learned that my child was going to be a boy. I spoke to his voice mail that day to deliver the news. I never got a call back, and that was that. So, he’s never seen Darwin. I would bet my life that he won’t ever make the move to contact me, so the only chance for them to properly meet would be for me to swallow my pride and make the call. I don’t feel very motivated to continue chasing that relationship, especially when he’s clearly proven that he isn’t interested. My concern is for the day Darwin finally asks about his grandfather. I’m going to have to give him an answer. Do I lie? Or do I tell him that “Granddad knew all about you, but wasn’t interested and has never called us”? It’s a tough call, but on the list of countless tough calls that my life as a Father will include, I feel like this one shouldn’t be near the top.
In closing, I love this child in a way that I will never love anyone else. It’s intense and unconditional. With my own innocence long gone, I enjoy watching as he experiences the world in such a pure way. I’m going to try and slow the passing of time, so I can really savor this precious phase of our lives.
Under no circumstances did I ever intend for that last post to remain at the top of this site for that long. I’m sorry.
Anyway, I’m not sure what my deal is. I think about posting on here pretty often, but lately I just haven’t found the time/energy/motivation. As usual, my life has been all kinds of up and down, and I plan to spew out a much more detailed version of that sometime in the near future.
In short, art is slightly happening which I am happy about, music is not, Darwin is awesome and about to turn one, relationship is… yah, and work is funny. More soon, for real.
