Today I did something that has been done only 1 or 2 other times before. I deleted a post from this site. It was one hell of a post too. It was classic gethurt.com type stuff. It was pure. It was angry, vengeful, and written entirely in the moment. It was human honesty in all its imperfect glory. So why did I delete it?
Last night I had a discussion with a good friend. It covered a range of topics, but much of it focused on my art and how there’s been none of it to speak of for quite some time now. It’s become clear that I’m in a strange position because of the type of inspiration that is required for me to create. Generally speaking, I strive for happiness. I want things to be good all around, and part of that is being artistically satisfied. The problem lies in the fact that I seem to only be inspired by negativity. If I feel some genuine anger or pain, I can draw inspiration from that, and react to it. That satisfies my urge to express myself, but it surely doesn’t help the whole “happiness” bit. Talk about a catch 22.
One of my theories is that as I grow older, my fire is simply cooling, and dying. It’s basically my worst nightmare. Well, half of my worst nightmare (the other half is being victimized by censorship).
Anyone who considers themselves a friend of mine, has to have some appreciation or at least acceptance of my attitude, my inability to lose an argument, and the way that I like to just lay it all out there, saying the things that usually go without saying. I know it can be abrasive at times, but it’s taken me damn near 30 years to get this way, and I’m just not gonna change now. To quote myself, “It’s part of my charm”.
So what was the big deleted post about? Well…
And why did I delete it? I’m not sure. I was asked to delete it, but I declined that request as respectfully as I could. In the end I’m not sure if it was that request that got it taken down, or my own “maturity” creeping up on me, or just the fear of what could possibly come my way if I didn’t. We’ll never know.
And for the love of god, please look at this.