To keep the theme going, I got another important email recently. I had an interview set up for another Music Production Teaching job. This one would be a pretty full-time gig, and would give me the first regular paycheck I’ve had in years. It was the financial stability that I’ve been wanting so badly, and it was a job I would be happy with. I was extremely confident that the job was mine. Yesterday morning i got this email:
I have to cancel our appointment for today. My director informed me that due to budget cuts, we are unable to run music production until the end of summer. I am sorry for the inconvenience. I will keep you in mind for the summer. Thank you for your interest and good luck with your search.”
Buy hey, she wished me good luck, so I’m sure I’ll be just fine.
Anyway, I’ve been spending a lot of time daydreaming. I dream about a life unlike my own. I fantasize about how I could run away and start again, and how great that would be. I could take some of the money that I have sitting in my account right now and fly out West and convince Slim to hook me up with a job to get me going. I bet I could do it. I could book that flight right fucking now and change my life forever. I would never have to see this town again, I would never have to be baited into the same old fights, and I wouldn’t have to apologize for things that I’m not sorry for. This place (in my life, as well as geographically) is just too full of sadness and disappointment to ever be washed clean. So, do I book that flight and do what it takes to fix my life? Or do I do the “right” thing and stay put, locked forever in a sea of sorrow? Would my staying really help anyone? I know it won’t be helping myself any, and I tend to doubt that having a miserable fuck like me around will do much to lift anyone else’s spirits either. So why am I here? Why am I running around in the same circles over and over and over and over and over and over? I may never know the answer, but that seems to be my fate. I’m sure I won’t ever book that flight. I’m sure I’ll stay here in this Hell-Hole town until the day I’m finally put out of my misery by some meaningless blink of Mother Nature’s eye. Along the way I’ll try to do the best I can to help my offspring find a path better than mine. Most likely he/she will simply rebel against me because I’m old, I don’t understand, and I should shut the fuck up. Ahh, the cycles of life.
Today is the first ultrasound.