contemplating

I am contemplating suicide.

Now, I’m not exactly considering doing it, but rather contemplating the whole idea of it and it’s place in the world. When I was much younger, I thought suicide was a lame way out of a tough situation, and was reserved for only the weakest of individuals. Well I’m older now, and I figure that if someone doesn’t want to be alive, why the hell should they be forced? That seems like the most basic of human rights, doesn’t it?

I don’t know exactly why all this came to mind, and I’m no Psychologist, but my guess is that it’s because I hate my life and I wish it would end. Like I said, I’m not going to kill myself anytime soon, but if God himself appeared to me and offered me the chance to simply not wake up in the morning, I would surely take that. For a good while now, I’ve tried to stay optimistic and ignore the fact that my life is falling apart brick by brick in front of my eyes. My awesome apartment that I love(ed), has become a place that I almost try to avoid some days, because I know that on any given day it’s only a matter of time before something bad happens or I get lured into some bullshit issue that I don’t want to be part of.

Oh and another thing I’ve learned… money totally does buy happiness. And trust me, my amount of money exactly mirrors my amount of happiness right now.

I have never felt such frustration
Or lack of self control
I want you to kill me
And dig me under, I wanna live no more

One who doesn’t care is one who shouldn’t be
I’ve tried to hide myself from what is wrong for me

I want to taste dirty, a stinging pistol
In my mouth, on my tongue
I want you to scrape me from the walls
And go crazy like you’ve made me

One who doesn’t care is one who shouldn’t be
I’ve tried to hide myself from what is wrong for me

You, you are so special
You have the talent to make me feel like dirt
And you, you use your talent to dig me under
And cover me with dirt

One who doesn’t care is one who shouldn’t be
I’ve tried to hide myself from what is wrong for me

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