I forget when it was, but some months ago I posted an entry about my goals and plans for this year. Part of it said “Looking back, 2004 was the year that hurt, and 2005 was the year that didn’t do shit. 2005 almost doesn’t even exist. The theme for 2006 must be healing. Healing, and growing.” Well surprise surprise, it isn’t happening. I can’t exactly put my finger on what the cause of it all is, but everything just seems… wrong.
I know I beat the fucking topic to death, but I can’t help what’s on my mind. And right now a large portion of my time is spent working to complete the Dark Disco Club album. I’m optimistic that it will be the “best” thing we’ve ever done, whatever that means. I’m also fairly sure that I won’t get much artistic satisfaction out of it as a whole. Now, that isn’t 100% true… I’ve written songs that I wanted to write and expressed a couple thoughts that I wanted to express, but generally speaking, the process of creating this work has been a complete failure for me and gets more frustrating as the days go on. No matter how large or small the specific issue is, my band seems to completely disagree with me on just about every single thing. Now when you get out-voted by everyone in the band on every single thing, you start to think “Am I fucking retarded?” “Am I the idiot here… why do I not see what is so completely obvious to everyone here?”. Or is it the other way around maybe? Am I the artist trapped in a room with a group of rulebook readers trying desperately to do the “right” thing? I really can’t tell any more, and it doesn’t even matter because both options feel like shit.
Another problem is my art. I’m about to miss out on being included in another show that should have been well within my range. I’ve had some difficulty in trying to complete the pieces that I wanted to submit, but the main issue is that I get trapped in the suburbs for the DDC recording and can’t find enough time to work on it. This was a low key, local, group show, in a very laid back environment, and it would have been a great “comeback” for me in my mind. It really sucks that I’ll be missing this one.
The band, the art, school (lack of), combined with the massive student loan bills that just came in and the constant intense back pain that I’ve been feeling are all adding up to basically fucking my shit up real good. It’s taking it’s toll on my sanity, and it seems as though it may be taking its toll on my relationship as well. That’s a subject I consciously don’t write about in much detail here, but it’s easily the most important thing in my life. I’m half of something, and when it’s good life seems like a pretty cool place. When it’s bad… life feels a huge anchor pulling me straight into the fucking dirt. Right now, I’m kinda feeling that anchor, and it seems to be attached to the right side of my spine. I’m losing my grip on things, and it’s getting slightly scary. Maybe more than slightly.
We’re only 5 months in, and I have seriously had enough of 2006. Thank god for Pearl Jam.