faster we run…

I have so much to say, so often. Yet these days it seems impossible to get it onto this page. I’m afraid that this thing has become a semi-regular telling of me doing nothing. When I look back on this in months and years from now, I want it to accurately portray the place that I am at, inside and out. So, I’ll try.

I’ve had lots on my mind. Just tons of shit, from every possible direction. It’s been a long time (months maybe) since I’ve seen or heard from my mother, and trust me, that’s fine by me. I had wondered if she was dead, and had almost accepted that she was. But alas, it was her annoying voice on the other end of the phone today. My best guess is that she will be back at the house sometime in the near future. In the few moments I was on the phone with her today, I made it very clear as to what my opinion is. It was something like “Why the fuck do you need to come here, no one wants you here!” And really, no matter what the current status of her pulse is, she’s all but dead to me. I’ll speak to her when I need to, with venom in my voice and resentment in my heart. Hell, it finally dawned on me to write about it recently… the death of my mother that is. My band is working on our album, and I really really want to write lyrics to more songs. I’ve started working on a couple of ideas, and one is based on her.

Speaking of death and lyrics… I had a fucked up dream a little while back. A morbid, strange dream that took place in a cemetery. It was just me and a friend that is (sadly) no longer with us. It was bothersome on several levels, and if I have my wish, I’ll be able to finish a song about it. And that reminds me, that is really what this album is. I mean, not completely, but this album (in my opinion anyway) is inspired by loss, and the endless effects of that loss. The end of that cycle of life. I’ve lost a lot, and surely as my life goes on, I will lose more, until the day that I die… which will be a loss for someone else. Maybe. I want this album to be a somber, genuine, passionate document of THE END. Get me? I don’t want to be a political band, or a band that writes stories about parties and shit we’ve never really done. This is my chance to lay down the real deal, and I hope everyone else is with me. If I need to push back deadlines and release dates just to make sure that the lyrics are right, so be it. Since we started working on this album almost a year ago, I have felt how powerful a simple song can be, and how it can touch people (including me). I’ve seen how it can directly impact a persons thoughts and feelings. I’ve always been against censorship, but maybe CD’s with good songs really should have a warning label of some kind on them, because this is nothing to fuck with here.

Just as I was typing all this, I was asked about a friend. Another dead friend. And while we’re on the subject of the band, I should point out that there is a seriously good chance that my band would not exist right now if not for this kid. Once the conversation came up I did a quick search and read a new article about him and the events of his death. It’s crazy. I think we all need to take pause and respect the weight of the art we’re creating here… we need to work our gift, and make sure this transcends the simple idea of making some rock n roll songs. There are people that will cry when they listen to this album and hear these words. Friends, family members… maybe even strangers who will attach a new meaning when it reminds them of someone.

Damn.

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